Everton go into the second half of the 2014/15 Premier League season on a diabolical run of form.
Will Martinez rediscover his mojo?
Can the beleaguered Blues turn their season around?
Does Cheggars still Play Pop?
Everton FC: 2nd Half Season Predictions
January 10: Manchester City (H)
A recalled Tony Hibbert inspires the Toffees to a 3-0 win over Manuel Pellegrini’s side. The Huyton man revels in his role as trequartista bringing an exuberance rarely found in the role.
Keith Chegwin unable to comment.
January 17: West Bromwich Albion (H)
Steven Naismith scores a dodecahetrick as Everton wrap up a routine 36-1 win against the Baggies.
The only fly in the ointment is Joel Robles being chipped on his line whilst trying to decide who would win in a fight between an alligator and a shark.
Keith Chegwin sides with the shark.
January 31: Crystal Palace (A)
Everton’s good luck continues as the Premier League give Everton a 3-0 win after the game is abandoned when Alan Pardew’s sense of self-importance threatens to loosen roof tiles in the surrounding area.
A busy deadline day sees a confused Lionel Messi being paraded as our latest signing surrounded by shady members of the Liverpool underground.
Keith Chegwin on holiday in Marbella notes his approval.
February 7: Liverpool (H)
A dour game is brought to life in the 63rd minute as Antolin Alcaraz dribbles past eight Liverpool players before hitting a left foot drive through Mignolet’s legs.
Keith Chegwin emails to ask if anyone can water his plants.
February 11: Chelsea (A)
A game of two halves as both teams struggle due to an oversight by the Everton kit man meaning both sides play in blue for the first 45 minutes.
Everton eventually win 1-0 as Gary Cahill puts through his own net after being confused by someone in the crowd calling him Tim.
Keith Chegwin returns home with a load of baccy and wine.
February 21: Leicester (H)
Everton continue their rapid rise up the table after an awesome display of attacking football sees Leicester put to the sword by Bionic Oviedo.
The raiding left back scoring six goals in a five minute spell just after half time.
Roberto Martinez’s hair appears to be growing back.
Keith Chegwin wins South Sefton local election.
February 28: Arsenal (A)
Gareth Barry outpaces Alexis Sanchez to unleash an unstoppable right foot strike to send the travelling faithful into ecstasy.
Keith Chegwin joins Gary Numan’s touring band as backing vocalist.
March 4: Stoke (A)
Robert Huth scores an own goal as he tries to decide whether somebody in the crowd is packing or not.
Peter Crouch becomes the first man in Premier League history to be hit by a passenger jet.
Keith Chegwin wins his first race of the National Hunt season.
March 14: Newcastle (H)
1-0. Leon Osman. Maradona ’86. Nuff said.
Keith Chegwin appears on Channel 5’s Celebrity Vasectomy.
March 21: Queens Park Rangers (A)
Sylvain Distin rolls back the years with a superlative performance to keep new England striker Charlie Austin at bay.
A late John Stones header sealing a valuable win in the capital.
Keith Chegwin loses a finger making a cup of tea at home.
April 4: Southampton (H)
A bad tempered affair sees both teams reduced to 10 men after a 21 man brawl in the first half.
Both linesmen are subsequently cited by the Premier League after footage shows them getting several sly digs in on defenceless players.
A solitary Samuel Eto’o goal splits the sides.
Keith Chegwin is given the Congressional Medal of Honor by Barack Obama for foiling a terrorist plot to paint the White House in Dulux Magnolia.
April 11: Swansea (A)
Twenty six spectators are taken to hospital after watching both teams bore everyone to tears with possession for possession’s sake.
Steven Pienaar accidentally scores a worldie when trying to hit Ashley Williams in his face.
Keith Chegwin becomes the new face of Oxo stock cubes.
April 18: Burnley (H)
Gravel voiced, rusty ball bearing in a doorman’s jacket Sean Dyche complains to FA after Everton are given all the penalties that have been turned down in the last three seasons to secure a 58-0 win.
Keith Chegwin tops the charts with his cover of Nena’s 99 Red Balloons.
April 25: Manchester United (H)
Free flowing football the order of the day as both teams produce a veritable feast of attacking football which results in a slender 13-12 win to the blues.
New United manager David Beckham causes controversy by making his team wear Spandau Ballet style silk shirts.
Keith Chegwin becomes the thirteenth man on the moon.
May 2: Aston Villa (A)
Paul Lambert spends the whole of the second half rocking backward and forward crying as his team are torn to shreds by a rampant Everton side led by the swashbuckling Leon Osman who marks his England recall with a display that has Pep Guardiola label the utility man ‘Skemiesta.’
Keith Chegwin invents the clockwork digital watch.
May 9: Sunderland (H)
A tense and nervy affair sees very little in the way of quality although both teams put up a real good fight.
Match is most notable for the all new Everton Haka performed at the beginning of the game.
James McCarthy pulls a muscle in his tongue and is replaced by man of the match Gareth Barry.
Keith Chegwin manages to reverse the Earth’s polarity whilst trying to programme his video recorder.
May 16: West Ham (A)
West Ham away, West Ham away, West Ham awaaaaaaaaaaaaay!
Keith Chegwin becomes new James Bond.
May 24: Tottenham (H)
A glorious day sees samba soccer skills on display as Everton reach the vinegar strokes of the season with aplomb.
Hibberto Carlos gets the party started with a fierce left foot drive which breaks the net causing a delay of ten minutes.
Everton dominate to win 4-0 and end the season on 75 points to claim 4th spot in the league and a coveted Champion’s League place.
Keith Chegwin solves middle east crisis using only rubber bands, sticky back plastic and the novels of Dan Brown.
See, easy when you know how isn’t it?